I can't cry though I know that I can't carry the burdens inside this heart full of worries and fears that spring up just these past few days..
I should have come to You immediately for help.. but I allowed some things to hinder me.. so I end up confused.. so helpless.. so down, that I thought I was left alone.. with no one but myself..
These past few days were unexplainable.. so tiring, I don't even know if I'll still have the strength to get up the next day..
I sleep, keeping all the thoughts to myself.. I wake up, trying to face the day with a brand new me, pretending to be okay.. but I'm not.
But just this morning, I decided to fight the part of me who thinks I can go on like this forever..
I decided to come before You... humbly, so empty, so broken..
I was surprised that tears don't flow from my eyes though inside, I really know I'm crying..
but right there and then, I realized.. REPRESSION.
I placed uncomfortable thoughts in relatively inaccessible areas of my subconscious mind. Thus when things occur that I am unable to cope with now, I push them away, either planning to deal with them at another time or hoping that they will fade away on their own accord.
As I kept myself silent before You, You made me realize a lot of things..
then You comforted me with Your love letter in
Psalm 139
For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.
1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.
2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.
3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.
4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.
5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.
7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths,you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.
19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!
20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?
22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.
24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
After meditating on this words, tears began fooding my eyes,
while sobbing, You guided me to the answers of the questions hidden at some deep parts of me..
You taught me how to accept and understand what I had experienced those situations during the past few days..
You healed the wounds.. and took the pain away..
When my eyes were washed, You allowed me to see the clearer vision of things..
Words can never be enough to thank You for being so ever faithful, ever thoughtful, and ever loving.. despite of my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures and my disobediences...
and I am also thankful for those special people who had been with me on those moments.. for the ones who prayed.. I may not know who they are.. but I am confident that You will be the One to bless them more.. to the family You allowed me to belong, they may be questioning my actions thru their stares and though I keep silent, they understood.
All the days of my life, I will forever stand in awe of Your great mercy and love for mankind. <3
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