IMPROMTU :D

"This is live. I don't have any draft with me right at this moment. I want to express what I really feel today. I don't know how I will organize my thoughts; which one will be the first, the next, or the last. I don't care. I just knew that I need to write this down. Wow... this will not be easy for me, but I know that it will be a big help."

I am tired of my everyday routine. I am stressed, exhausted and pressured but there's one thing that keeps me going, and it is God's sufficient grace and never ending love. Despite of the negative things that I feel and I see each waking moment of everyday, I am grateful that there are still many things that can be reasons to smile and laugh. I thank God for giving me such wonderful friends and for allowing me to meet such nice people; personally or technically. (hahaha) :D

What I want to share this moment is what I feel towards someone, whom I considered special. I admired him before. This guy made me feel different, and special. I end up assuming that he feels the same, but then, he doesn't. In other words, I was hurt. I find it hard to move on. Every time I remember that scenario, I pity myself. I cried a lot... but he didn't know what I've been through because, obviously, he doesn't care. For me, if he cared enough, he will make things clearer and not leave me hanging. Well, that was before.

During the process of moving on, there was someone who lend his ears for my complains. He spend his precious time comforting me. He's a really good friend. I may say, that he's one of the reasons why I had gained the courage to let go. He made me realize lots of things. Now, we've been close. He had done things that really made me smile, the sweetest smile. I never imagined that he will sing me songs to lift me up during those moments when I was so down and hopeless. Of course, this guy is not aware of what he's causing me to feel. One thing that disturbs me is that... he's a living memory of someone who broke my heart in the past. I am perplexed. I always believe that 'the heart can be taught.' He may not be the person I liked or I admired before, but now, I think I am falling for him. I do not want to complicate things. We're friends and I do not want to waste what we have. I also think that it's impossible that he'll fall for me. I always believe on the irony of life, 'you like or you admire the person who does not like you but you refuse that someone who longs for your attention'. I do not know when will be the time that the one whom I admire will also feel the same way. I will consider the fact that he also admire other girls, and who knows if he's committed? (ouch!)so there's no reason for me to tolerate this kind of feeling. Today... or tonight, I am determined to control whatever special feeling I have for him, so that our friendship will be saved, not unless the feeling is mutual. :)

It hurts, again but I will just inspire myself with the passage that I read from a book, "...love liberates." -The Fifth Mountain. I will love him, care for him and pray for him without him knowing it. I don't also need his permission to miss him and I can think of him any moment of the day. <3

"This ends my drama... hoping that tomorrow, I'll be fine ^^
Good night."

At the end of the day, I will still run to You.. ^^

I can't cry though I know that I can't carry the burdens inside this heart full of worries and fears that spring up just these past few days..

I should have come to You immediately for help.. but I allowed some things to hinder me.. so I end up confused.. so helpless.. so down, that I thought I was left alone.. with no one but myself..

These past few days were unexplainable.. so tiring, I don't even know if I'll still have the strength to get up the next day..

I sleep, keeping all the thoughts to myself.. I wake up, trying to face the day with a brand new me, pretending to be okay.. but I'm not.

But just this morning, I decided to fight the part of me who thinks I can go on like this forever..

I decided to come before You... humbly, so empty, so broken..

I was surprised that tears don't flow from my eyes though inside, I really know I'm crying..

but right there and then, I realized.. REPRESSION.

I placed uncomfortable thoughts in relatively inaccessible areas of my subconscious mind. Thus when things occur that I am unable to cope with now, I push them away, either planning to deal with them at another time or hoping that they will fade away on their own accord.

As I kept myself silent before You, You made me realize a lot of things..

then You comforted me with Your love letter in

Psalm 139

For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

1 O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.

2 You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.

3 You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.

4 Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.

5 You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.

6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.

7 Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?

8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths,you are there.

9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,

10 even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

11 If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me,"

12 even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.

13 For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.

14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

15 My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,

16 your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

17 How precious to [b] me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!

18 Were I to count them, they would outnumber the grains of sand. When I awake, I am still with you.

19 If only you would slay the wicked, O God! Away from me, you bloodthirsty men!

20 They speak of you with evil intent; your adversaries misuse your name.

21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD, and abhor those who rise up against you?

22 I have nothing but hatred for them; I count them my enemies.

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.

After meditating on this words, tears began fooding my eyes,

while sobbing, You guided me to the answers of the questions hidden at some deep parts of me..

You taught me how to accept and understand what I had experienced those situations during the past few days..

You healed the wounds.. and took the pain away..

When my eyes were washed, You allowed me to see the clearer vision of things..

Words can never be enough to thank You for being so ever faithful, ever thoughtful, and ever loving.. despite of my flaws, my weaknesses, my failures and my disobediences...

and I am also thankful for those special people who had been with me on those moments.. for the ones who prayed.. I may not know who they are.. but I am confident that You will be the One to bless them more.. to the family You allowed me to belong, they may be questioning my actions thru their stares and though I keep silent, they understood.

All the days of my life, I will forever stand in awe of Your great mercy and love for mankind. <3

..alone..

I will always appreciate those who tried to understand.. though they don't know the real story behind.. hehe

I can smile because of You ^^

I will be here :))

I'll live my days for YOU :))

Who am I?

I'm special. In all the world there's nobody like me. Since the beginning of time, there has never been another person like me. Nobody has my smile. Nobody has my eyes, my nose, my hair, my hands, my voice. I'm special.

No one can be found who has my handwriting. Nobody anywhere has my tastes....for food or music or art. No one sees things just as I do.

In all of time, there's been no one who laughs like me, no one who cries like me. And what makes me laugh and cry will never provoke identical laughter and tears from anybody else...ever. No one reacts to any situation just as I would react. I'm special.

I'm the only one in all of creation who has my set of abilities. Oh, there will always be somebody who is better at one of the things I'm good at, but no one in the universe can reach the quality of my combination of talents, ideas, abilities and feelings. Like a room full of musical instruments, some may excel alone, but none can match the symphony sound when all are played together. I'm a symphony.

Through all of eternity no one will ever look, talk, walk, think or do like me. I'm special. I'm rare. And in all rarity there is great value. Because of my great rare value, I need not attempt to imitate others. I will accept...yes...celebrate my differences.

I'm special. And I'm beginning to realize it's no accident that I am. I'm beginning to see that God made me special for a very special purpose. HE must have a job for me that no one else can do as well as I. Out of all the billions of applicants, only one is qualified, only one has the right combination of what it takes.

I am God's well kept woman.. I am His treasure..Ü